The 10 Commandments of Email
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Ode To Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
Q. How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch?
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player
Gravestone Inscription Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
- Evelyn Waugh
Jokes From "All in a Day's Work" from The Reader's Digest:
My husband, Brian, is a computer systems administrator. He is dedicated to his job and works long hours, rarely taking time off for meals. One afternoon, Brian was overwhelmed with solving a network problem, so I decided to deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation. When I was getting ready to leave, I said good-bye and reminded him to eat his burger and fries while they were still warm. Staring at his monitor, he waved me away. "Don't worry," he said, obviously distracted, "I'll delete them in a few minutes." - Michelle Hill
While working as a radiologic technologist in a hospital emergency room, I took X rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
"What happened to the patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported. The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up in a tree.
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Asplundh Tree Experts."
Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out experts." - Genieve Markovci
SIXTEEN STEPS TO BUILD A BOY SCOUT CAMPFIRE
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded
6. Light Match.
7. Light Match.
8. Repeat "A Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As
clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard
Twinkle, twinkle, little light, can I turn left or can I turn right...
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but
he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.
I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was
scratching his back one day.
"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."
Computer Tech Joke Funpage
Emoticons and E-mail Shorthand